Anxiety Mama

The inner thoughts of a normal mom, with abnormalities

Tag: pregnancy

Poor Kid

As the weeks grow closer to my due date, I start to feel more and more sorry for my five year old. I am not a very pleasant person to be around right now, what with being super uncomfortable and sore and hormonal.

I do my best to make sure that she knows that my short temper isn’t her fault, but that doesn’t make it easier on her I’m sure. Especially not when I usually am fairly level headed. I mean I have a temper, she would know, she has the same one, but at the same time five is a pretty young age to have a mother go through all the crazy mood changes that come with growing another human being.

I feel, especially these past few days, that I am doing her a great disservice. That I am not really parenting to the best of my ability. That there are things that I am doing that will upset her even more. Not to mention the fact that it really doesn’t get easier in the next year. Once the babe is less a new born, then it gets better, but that is only if there are no complications and everything works out the way that I want it to. That hardly ever happens in real life.

I still long for the days when I could put myself into any TV show that I wanted and pretend that I lived there for a while. When did I allow reality to get so, uh, real?


Sleep? No Sleep For Pregnant Ladies

Ahh, pregnancy. The supposed magical time a mom goes through to get her little bundles of joy. I am fond of the bundles of joy. Bean, as much as she makes me crazy, is in fact a glorious, funny, loving, and ridiculously smart tiny human. I am glad she is here. I am sure, when my son makes his appearance I will feel the same way, though he has a head start on making me crazy.

When I was pregnant with Bean, I was miserable. There were reasons though, the partner I had wasn’t really into the whole being supportive thing, and I was working full time as a RN, which meant 60 hour work weeks sometimes. It wasn’t ideal. The hardest part was the no support from the baby daddy. Something I have come to realise this time around, makes a huge freakin’ difference.

Despite lack of husbandy support, the pregnancy it’s self was fine. I had major heart burn, but it was controlled by over the counter meds, and some really odd home remedies. My blood pressure spiked, but not until my very last week, at which point she was late anyway, so she got to come out. I was warned about how much the moving and kicking would get uncomfortable, but with the exception of a few liver shots, Bean was content to just roll over and I didn’t have much problem with that until very late, when every mom to be has a problem. Her little brother isn’t as accommodating.

Starting with high blood pressure from day one, to long drives to get a specialist opinion of “everything looks totally normal”, he has not made this easy. My blood tests are weird one day, and the repeat test the next day are normal. I didn’t have much of a belly with Bean, and this one is popping out, and he is sitting right on my bladder. Not kidding. I can feel little bops on my bladder almost constantly. He also enjoy moving all day long, preferably stretching to see if he can get out I guess? It’s not comfortable.

As the time as gone on he has started to get more active at night. Making it near impossible to get comfortable enough to sleep. I am glad that he’s moving around, I like knowing he’s doing okay, but I will be very happy when he is wiggling on the outside instead of the inside.

Blood Test For Pregnant People

Probably the most annoying part of being pregnant is the amount of tests that you have to do to make sure that you and the baby are healthy. None of these tests is more annoying than the one that you need to do to check to see what your sugar levels are.

Apparently a super important test (though some quick Google searches have informed me that it might not be for very much longer), it is probably the most painful. Painful in that you have to go, drink this super gross version of flat orange pop, then sit in very uncomfortable waiting room chairs so they can take your blood an hour later. So you have to sit there while all these smelly old people (not really), come and sit next to you even though there are other chairs around the room (really), and of course you’re super uncomfortable, because these chairs are not meant for long term sitting, let alone to support a pregnant person and their now very hyper spawn.

That’s what I did yesterday. I know logically it isn’t the most painful test so much as it is the most annoying. Also I had to come home and lay down because the drink made me feel dizzy and sick, so that took up more time that I could have spent doing pretty much anything. Though if I think about it, I would have probably been laying down.

I have now gotten the results of the test, and even though I check my results online and know how high my sugar actually is (.1 above the “normal”) I get told by the nurse that I have to now fast, and do this test again, except over 2 hours. *Headdesk* Swear to god this isn’t something that I even almost want to do. I may not even do it, I will check with the NP when I go to my appointment Wednesday. It’ll probably be the conversation that goes a little something like this: “Not doing it lady” and then I will be talked into doing anyway. Because I strangely listen to the nurses and doctors even though I can make my own educated choices.

The upside from the blook work? I need to take some iron pills. This may help with the tired and possibly even the restless legs. We shall see.

The Anxiety of Giving Anxiety

So, when I was pregnant with my first, I was really worried that she would be all messed up because I was horribly depressed throughout most of my pregnancy. She was fine of course, the RedBull was way more likely to do something harmful (though there have been some studies), so I moved on to worrying about other things.

For the most part she was a spectacular baby. She had to deal with separated parents from the day she was born, which meant she had to deal with time away from mama from a really early age. I breast fed, but pumped so she would be able to spend a few hours with daddy every few days. Everything was good for about the first 6 months or so. After that she developed the ability to notice when I was gone, and when it was bedtime.

During these times she would get herself worked up so bad, that she was very difficult to handle. Not horrible, because it just meant more snuggles usually, but for those that had to handle her while I was not around, it wasn’t great.

Now at 5 years of age, she is still fairly well adjusted given what I see other kids her age do. She does still have horrible night time anxiety though. She has always had really horrible night terrors, and while the definition of night terrors no longer applies, she complains of bad dreams close to every night. This makes the lead up to bedtime not fun. I say not fun because it can range from her taking about an hour to settle, to all out tantrums just so she doesn’t have to go to sleep yet.

As far as being separated: she just doesn’t like it when anyone leaves. It often takes me back to when I was pregnant and worried that my issues would become her issues.

I have done some reading on the subject, and there is some evidence that how we are mentally and emotionally can effect the baby, but that doesn’t mean that they are able to for sure prove that. My anxiety issues are very different then hers, but I still have them. And I can’t even imagine someone so tiny feeling that uncontrollable anxiety. My real hope for the future is being able to help her through all of her anxiety, while not adding too much to my own. I have no idea how I am going to do that yet, but hopefully it will come to me soon. Because soon, I shall have two little ones to help.

Pregnancy Fun

I have no idea who has been lieing to women, telling them that being pregnant is this wonderful time in your life. It’s not. It’s uncomfortable, and uncomfortable. There really isn’t a better word to describe it frankly. It is painful, and itchy, and you’re sick often and not able to take a lot of medication for much of anything, and you’re very cranky almost all of the time. Even when you aren’t cranky, you can get to cranky in about two seconds flat, usually by someone doing something super simple and not at all annoying. This is because everything is annoying when you’re pregnant.

Seriously, I have done this twice, and while I can say with a degree of certainty that this time is much better than the last time, it still isn’t fun. I mean I am happier mentally, but physically the whole body thing isn’t fun. Not to mention that this baby has a fondness for making my anxiety levels high before he gets here. That is something his big sister at least waited until she was out to do.

There are benefits of course. Pregnancy isn’t all bad, despite the 40 weeks of feeling like you’re being weirdly tortured in a way that is just annoying more so than painful. When the baby starts to kick, and respond to your voice and your touches on your belly, or even better: when the baby starts to respond to your partner, it is kind of awesome. When you hear the heartbeat for the first time and you know for sure that you are not alone, that’s pretty sweet too. Of course there is this thing, that after 40 weeks you (hopefully) get this very squishy, adorable, crying thing. Okay that doesn’t sound like it’s worth it, but then they grab your finger and only want to be with you ever. Or, it’s 6 months later and they have learned how to hug and give kisses, and do so without you even asking. Or it’s 6 years later and they come up to you and tell you that they love you “no edge” which means more than history.

Yeah okay…I’ll be uncomfortable for 14 more weeks.

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