Anxiety Mama

The inner thoughts of a normal mom, with abnormalities

Tag: parenting

Coping

When I had my first baby everything went super well, apart from the fact that I had separated from my husband a few months before she was born. How I felt, and how I was able to jump back into daily life was not really changed. I found I had the energy to carry on as normal, and in some ways had even more energy and drive to get the things done that needed to be done.

That has not been the case this time around.

He is now 9 months, and I find that I can still barely get up enough energy to do the things that need to be done (we won’t talk about house work). I am mostly succeeding in the taking care of the children parts of the life, but so much else has just not been accomplished.

I need to get back into working, but I can’t even remember how I managed to do that after my daughter. I remember being able to do so much from home, and now I can’t even comprehend how any of that is possible. There is no spot in my mind that remembers how I was able to do it before, and is able to figure out how to do any of that now.

There are differences sure: I am not as healthy as I was then. My tiny man has left me with some important energy boosting vitamins at a staggering low, and in need of supplements to try and get them back up to a normal range. He doesn’t nap when he isn’t on someone, which takes up some time during the day. and he prefers to always be around someone, very near, even when playing alone. These things aren’t deal breakers, or even really big problems, but they are little problems that are contributing to a feeling of helplessness.

By the end of the day, when I would normally do things for myself, I find that there is little to do except lay down, and pray that he makes it at least four hours before waking up to eat (which he does, usually 6 hours actually, but I am dramatic).

I remind myself that this stage of being super little and super dependant passes all too quickly, and that I will miss it. I can’t imagine missing it right now, but I know that I will at the very least miss the naps, and the nursing, and the tiny man that wants only the attention of his mama. I will miss watching him figure out how to bend down and pick up toys while standing, or watching him figure out how to stand even.

Until then I will do the best I can with the things I have and remind myself that motherhood was’t supposed to be easy.

What the Hell?

This year has been levels of interesting that I can’t really comprehend. I wonder what the historians will say when they look back and write about what has happened in the last two years. I wonder if they will be able to stop themselves from banging their heads on a wall. I mean it’s not as though we didn’t know what would happen. It’s not as though we didn’t have historical evidence of what we should and shouldn’t be doing. Is this one of those “if you tell me not to do it, I’m going to do it.” Things? Because, there is no other explanation.

I’ve kind of been avoiding pretty much everything I possibly can for as long as I possibly can this year. I just can’t figure out what to say about any of it that hasn’t already been said. Or that even better can’t be summed up in three word: What the fuck? I think I find myself saying those three words more often than anyone should. I don’t think that I’m alone though, judging by what I see in the eyes of reporters.

I’m going to do what I can to get through the next few years without total and complete panic about nuclear war, by focusing on the things that I have at home. And while I have many opinions on what is happening in the world right now, I’m actually going to try and stay away from that on this blog. There are people better equipped to make opinions on those things.

What I’m here for is silliness. At least that is my new goal. Let’s see how long it takes me to fall off that one.

Poor Kid

As the weeks grow closer to my due date, I start to feel more and more sorry for my five year old. I am not a very pleasant person to be around right now, what with being super uncomfortable and sore and hormonal.

I do my best to make sure that she knows that my short temper isn’t her fault, but that doesn’t make it easier on her I’m sure. Especially not when I usually am fairly level headed. I mean I have a temper, she would know, she has the same one, but at the same time five is a pretty young age to have a mother go through all the crazy mood changes that come with growing another human being.

I feel, especially these past few days, that I am doing her a great disservice. That I am not really parenting to the best of my ability. That there are things that I am doing that will upset her even more. Not to mention the fact that it really doesn’t get easier in the next year. Once the babe is less a new born, then it gets better, but that is only if there are no complications and everything works out the way that I want it to. That hardly ever happens in real life.

I still long for the days when I could put myself into any TV show that I wanted and pretend that I lived there for a while. When did I allow reality to get so, uh, real?

 

Why is parenting so silly?

This is the only logical question I have for today. I get the parts of the day where I make sure she doesn’t jump off a bridge, or fall down the stairs. I also get the parts of the day where I have to manage to get her to eat veggies in some way, or at least eat some what balanced, rather than just eating mac and cheese every day. I don’t get how many times a day I have to say the most ridiculous things to make this happen.

Keeping our kids safe and healthy is part of the job and one that I am mostly good at given my child’s desire to climb up everything and jump off everything. Also the fact that she walks into a wall several times a day is just, icing on the cake (it isn’t her eye sight, she just doesn’t know how to slow down ever.) I guess my other question would have to be: Are all kids this clumsy?

I have a feeling that a lot of them are unless they have been put into a sport of some kind that helps them get control of their arm and leg coordination a little bit better. I considered gymnastics, but didn’t want to test my luck. Dance is a bit too pricey. Hopefully next summer we can do soccer, so she can run like crazy and get all of that extra energy out.

Until then though, how many times do I have to I have to remind her that she can’t do a handstand or the splits?

Spinning Again

As the holidays get closer I have started to sit at my spinning wheel again. It’s really the only thing I can think to do for people for gifts. Not to mention it helps to keep my Etsy store stocked. Soon I will have enough to actually start making homemade gifts. I just need to come up with a game plan and a list of things that I am going to make.

I have plenty of time, it’s just getting focused and finding the energy to get everything done. Also coming up with unique presents would be best. And there really isn’t a lot of things I can crochet for the 5 year old that would work. Other than a stuffed animal, which would be a whole other project since I have never done one before.

The other problem is that the closer we get to the end of the year, the closer we get to the baby coming. If he doesn’t decide to come before then. Hopefully he’ll stay put until the new year at least gets here. After that he’s free to come out at any time, but babies don’t really follow any normal schedule.

Gah. Who’s idea was this anyway? lol

 

Doubts

I want to say it’s abnormal for people to talk about the doubts they feel as a parent, but I know that likely isn’t true. Perhaps it simply feels that way when no one around you ever talks about the times they screw up. That thought that everyone needs to be a perfect parent or they are a failed parent. No matter if we are all human and all fail in some way or another eventually, that doesn’t seem to matter if you’re a parent. You are not allowed to fail, and so you must be perfect.

The problem then becomes, if everyone around is doing something different, and they are all perfect, then what are you? This thought comes into my head more often then it should, but with a new baby on the way I can’t help but sit here and think that maybe I am doing everything wrong and now I am going to screw up another kid.

It makes me wonder if maybe the reason why people feel this way is because there are so many articles and thoughts online, or in the news, about how we are screwing kids up. We never seem to talk about all the ways we are raising kids properly, only the ways in which they are messed up. True to form though, we are still saying every new generation is worse than the last, despite evidence in society that proves otherwise. I mean you don’t get a lower over all crime rate, lower illiterate rate, lower death rate, lower teen pregnancy rate, by being just as bad or worse then the generation before you. No matter what people what to believe.

We see tons of articles about how spanking is bad and harmful to kids, and not too many articles that talk about the different forms of discipline that might be best. Then come the memes about how kids are so horrible because they aren’t spanked and the arguments in the comments about how one group of parents is better than the other.

Perhaps to reduce the anxiety for some people, all people should back up and remember that everyone is doing their best. Just my thought anyway. I’m gonna go eat cookies.

The Anxiety of Giving Anxiety

So, when I was pregnant with my first, I was really worried that she would be all messed up because I was horribly depressed throughout most of my pregnancy. She was fine of course, the RedBull was way more likely to do something harmful (though there have been some studies), so I moved on to worrying about other things.

For the most part she was a spectacular baby. She had to deal with separated parents from the day she was born, which meant she had to deal with time away from mama from a really early age. I breast fed, but pumped so she would be able to spend a few hours with daddy every few days. Everything was good for about the first 6 months or so. After that she developed the ability to notice when I was gone, and when it was bedtime.

During these times she would get herself worked up so bad, that she was very difficult to handle. Not horrible, because it just meant more snuggles usually, but for those that had to handle her while I was not around, it wasn’t great.

Now at 5 years of age, she is still fairly well adjusted given what I see other kids her age do. She does still have horrible night time anxiety though. She has always had really horrible night terrors, and while the definition of night terrors no longer applies, she complains of bad dreams close to every night. This makes the lead up to bedtime not fun. I say not fun because it can range from her taking about an hour to settle, to all out tantrums just so she doesn’t have to go to sleep yet.

As far as being separated: she just doesn’t like it when anyone leaves. It often takes me back to when I was pregnant and worried that my issues would become her issues.

I have done some reading on the subject, and there is some evidence that how we are mentally and emotionally can effect the baby, but that doesn’t mean that they are able to for sure prove that. My anxiety issues are very different then hers, but I still have them. And I can’t even imagine someone so tiny feeling that uncontrollable anxiety. My real hope for the future is being able to help her through all of her anxiety, while not adding too much to my own. I have no idea how I am going to do that yet, but hopefully it will come to me soon. Because soon, I shall have two little ones to help.

Pregnancy Fun

I have no idea who has been lieing to women, telling them that being pregnant is this wonderful time in your life. It’s not. It’s uncomfortable, and uncomfortable. There really isn’t a better word to describe it frankly. It is painful, and itchy, and you’re sick often and not able to take a lot of medication for much of anything, and you’re very cranky almost all of the time. Even when you aren’t cranky, you can get to cranky in about two seconds flat, usually by someone doing something super simple and not at all annoying. This is because everything is annoying when you’re pregnant.

Seriously, I have done this twice, and while I can say with a degree of certainty that this time is much better than the last time, it still isn’t fun. I mean I am happier mentally, but physically the whole body thing isn’t fun. Not to mention that this baby has a fondness for making my anxiety levels high before he gets here. That is something his big sister at least waited until she was out to do.

There are benefits of course. Pregnancy isn’t all bad, despite the 40 weeks of feeling like you’re being weirdly tortured in a way that is just annoying more so than painful. When the baby starts to kick, and respond to your voice and your touches on your belly, or even better: when the baby starts to respond to your partner, it is kind of awesome. When you hear the heartbeat for the first time and you know for sure that you are not alone, that’s pretty sweet too. Of course there is this thing, that after 40 weeks you (hopefully) get this very squishy, adorable, crying thing. Okay that doesn’t sound like it’s worth it, but then they grab your finger and only want to be with you ever. Or, it’s 6 months later and they have learned how to hug and give kisses, and do so without you even asking. Or it’s 6 years later and they come up to you and tell you that they love you “no edge” which means more than history.

Yeah okay…I’ll be uncomfortable for 14 more weeks.

Rough Patch

It is apparently nearly impossible to try and get yourself to do anything when you don’t have any energy, or any belief that what you are doing is going to be any good. Who knew?

So, after much thought, I have basically just decided to do something even if it did suck. There are some things that I want to do with this blog, and part of it is actually dealing with what happens in your brain when you go through rough patches of depression and anxiety. Mostly to help myself get through all the rough patches of depression and anxiety. Usually anxiety, at least right now.

Anxiety is my evil shoulder monkey. It kind of just sits there and plants so many layers of doubt that I have to wade through before I am ever able to do anything. It’s okay though. at least I know what it is and know for the most part how to cope with it. Even if I do it badly most of the time.

Right now the biggest problem with helping me cope is the fact that I am pregnant. I wanted to be, I knew that I would have to go off my anxiety medication to both be pregnant and to breastfeed once the baby gets here, but I did it anyway. Now I get to swim in some very messy waters of my own creation. It’s forcing me to get super creative in how I deal with things. Especially to stay healthy enough for the baby that I am carrying and the one that is already here and trying to figure out how to deal with her now super crazy mama. She’s doing quite well actually. 5 year old’s are awesome.

So that’s a bit of what this blog will be about. There will be commentary about what the fuck is going on in the world, and how parenting is so freaking weird.

Because it is fucking weird.

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