Anxiety Mama

The inner thoughts of a normal mom, with abnormalities

Tag: depression

Carrie Fisher

I haven’t been around much, due to exhaustion and holidays. However, after yesterday, there just wasn’t enough room on Twitter to talk about how I was feeling.

I know there are have been a lot of celeb deaths this year. I’m not even sure if it’s been more than normal, or just a younger than normal set. Either way, there have been some this year that have made me actually shed some tears. Funny enough, it was one of the first (Alan Rickman), and hopefully one of the last (Carrie Fisher). The rest have been sad, but I wasn’t big fans, or they were in what I would call end of life anyway. Like Leonard Cohen, whom I loved and admired, but thought he lived a good life, passing away in his 80’s.

When it came to Alan Rickman, it was a matter of the man having been in my entertainment since I was a kid. I just couldn’t imagine not hearing his voice in a new movie. I was sad for what I would be missing.

Carrie however, is completely different. While I am obviously also sad for what I will be missing not having her write more books, or take on a new voice over part, I also just feel as though those of us with mental illness lost a great champion. Especially those of us that are female, as bad as that sounds.

I was diagnosed with my many labels when I was a teen, and that was right around the time that Carrie started to become more open about her struggles with bi-polar disorder. Hearing someone that you admire talk about the things that you were experiencing, helps to show you that you really aren’t alone. Not only that but this was Princess Leia. She’s done things. She’s struggled with her brain working against her, and has still been successful. Yes, it’s been a battle, but look at how many she won. For a teenager that is an amazingly powerful message. You can be broken, and still be successful.

I think this is the biggest thing for a lot of people, who were her fans. It isn’t just that she was a kick ass princess, but it’s the fact that outside of her best known role, she was a champion for many.

Anxiety About Money and Anxiety

Okay one fun thing about having anxiety bad enough that you can’t really leave your home, is that there really isn’t a good way to earn money from home. At least not when you’re so depressed about not having money, and so anxious about pay bills, you can’t get your brain to work there isn’t. It’s been a fun few months.

Here is the one thing that I want to say upfront: if I could work without being sick, I really would. I don’t particularly like staying home all the time. I am sure some of you are probably thinking that it’s super fun, but when I say all the time, I mean ALL the time. I don’t go visiting, I don’t go shopping, I don’t go out for a walk. I stay in my house so that I don’t have to feel as though the whole world is gonna crash in on me. Yes that train of thought is irrational, but if anxiety was in anyway rational, then everyone would be able to understand it. I also don’t particularly like being looked at like I am a huge failure. I am an RN I am supposed to be working, says everyone. To wit I say: No shit.

So, we are struggling quite a bit right now for various reasons. Most of them were completely avoidable. I am very aware of the fact that we got ourselves into this mess. It actually makes it harder to sleep at night knowing that you screwed up everything. On the other hand, I don’t have to go searching for the reasons we are here. I know why. It’s just trying to get out.

Last year at this time I was working full time from home. It was pretty great. Didn’t bring in tons of money, but gave me some purpose and did bring in enough to help. Because of a few bad choices in who to trust, that job went away (it might be very un-feminist of me to say, but working with women can be a totally pain in the ass). I left the job at pretty much the same time I found out that I was pregnant. Which is probably better timing then you’d think. It’s hard enough to get out of bed to work at home, let alone get out of bed when you can barely keep your eyes open and food in your belly. This summer wasn’t fun, but it also meant I could focus on Bean, and not what to do about a weird work schedule.

So that brings us to fall, when we are trying to get ready for a new baby (thank god for parents), and manage Christmas expectations, as well as the needs of Bean through the school year. I keep trying to find other ways to make money from home, but haven’t found anything as reliable as the job I left last year. Not to mention having a baby in three months time kind of puts a damper on people wanting to hire you for anything.

Until then, we shall fake it until we make it. Who knows maybe after this kid my anxiety will turn into something totally manageable. <— The only optimism you get.

The Anxiety of Giving Anxiety

So, when I was pregnant with my first, I was really worried that she would be all messed up because I was horribly depressed throughout most of my pregnancy. She was fine of course, the RedBull was way more likely to do something harmful (though there have been some studies), so I moved on to worrying about other things.

For the most part she was a spectacular baby. She had to deal with separated parents from the day she was born, which meant she had to deal with time away from mama from a really early age. I breast fed, but pumped so she would be able to spend a few hours with daddy every few days. Everything was good for about the first 6 months or so. After that she developed the ability to notice when I was gone, and when it was bedtime.

During these times she would get herself worked up so bad, that she was very difficult to handle. Not horrible, because it just meant more snuggles usually, but for those that had to handle her while I was not around, it wasn’t great.

Now at 5 years of age, she is still fairly well adjusted given what I see other kids her age do. She does still have horrible night time anxiety though. She has always had really horrible night terrors, and while the definition of night terrors no longer applies, she complains of bad dreams close to every night. This makes the lead up to bedtime not fun. I say not fun because it can range from her taking about an hour to settle, to all out tantrums just so she doesn’t have to go to sleep yet.

As far as being separated: she just doesn’t like it when anyone leaves. It often takes me back to when I was pregnant and worried that my issues would become her issues.

I have done some reading on the subject, and there is some evidence that how we are mentally and emotionally can effect the baby, but that doesn’t mean that they are able to for sure prove that. My anxiety issues are very different then hers, but I still have them. And I can’t even imagine someone so tiny feeling that uncontrollable anxiety. My real hope for the future is being able to help her through all of her anxiety, while not adding too much to my own. I have no idea how I am going to do that yet, but hopefully it will come to me soon. Because soon, I shall have two little ones to help.

Rough Patch

It is apparently nearly impossible to try and get yourself to do anything when you don’t have any energy, or any belief that what you are doing is going to be any good. Who knew?

So, after much thought, I have basically just decided to do something even if it did suck. There are some things that I want to do with this blog, and part of it is actually dealing with what happens in your brain when you go through rough patches of depression and anxiety. Mostly to help myself get through all the rough patches of depression and anxiety. Usually anxiety, at least right now.

Anxiety is my evil shoulder monkey. It kind of just sits there and plants so many layers of doubt that I have to wade through before I am ever able to do anything. It’s okay though. at least I know what it is and know for the most part how to cope with it. Even if I do it badly most of the time.

Right now the biggest problem with helping me cope is the fact that I am pregnant. I wanted to be, I knew that I would have to go off my anxiety medication to both be pregnant and to breastfeed once the baby gets here, but I did it anyway. Now I get to swim in some very messy waters of my own creation. It’s forcing me to get super creative in how I deal with things. Especially to stay healthy enough for the baby that I am carrying and the one that is already here and trying to figure out how to deal with her now super crazy mama. She’s doing quite well actually. 5 year old’s are awesome.

So that’s a bit of what this blog will be about. There will be commentary about what the fuck is going on in the world, and how parenting is so freaking weird.

Because it is fucking weird.

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