Anxiety Mama

The inner thoughts of a normal mom, with abnormalities

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Watching The News

I won’t lie, I have actually given up on watching the news. First of all most of what they report isn’t true, second of all they end up giving all the attention to the things that are more sensational than important. Sure it’s been that way for a while, but I think it’s more obvious during an election season. It was bad during the Canadian Election, it’s about 100x worse during the American one.

So to try and get any source of information that isn’t biased one way or another right now, is very difficult. Even trying to sort through the mess online, which was already a shit show, is near impossible. I guess it sort of comes down to deciding to no longer care.

I mean at the end of the day I don’t live in that country. We have our own problems up here, and they may not be nearly as odd as the ones that our neighbours to the south are struggling with, I don’t need to pay that much attention. When the election is done, and there are some policies being talked about then I’ll pay attention again. Hopefully it will be to someone that makes sense and isn’t a talking orange, but that really isn’t up to me.

 

Spinning Again

As the holidays get closer I have started to sit at my spinning wheel again. It’s really the only thing I can think to do for people for gifts. Not to mention it helps to keep my Etsy store stocked. Soon I will have enough to actually start making homemade gifts. I just need to come up with a game plan and a list of things that I am going to make.

I have plenty of time, it’s just getting focused and finding the energy to get everything done. Also coming up with unique presents would be best. And there really isn’t a lot of things I can crochet for the 5 year old that would work. Other than a stuffed animal, which would be a whole other project since I have never done one before.

The other problem is that the closer we get to the end of the year, the closer we get to the baby coming. If he doesn’t decide to come before then. Hopefully he’ll stay put until the new year at least gets here. After that he’s free to come out at any time, but babies don’t really follow any normal schedule.

Gah. Who’s idea was this anyway? lol

 

Doubts

I want to say it’s abnormal for people to talk about the doubts they feel as a parent, but I know that likely isn’t true. Perhaps it simply feels that way when no one around you ever talks about the times they screw up. That thought that everyone needs to be a perfect parent or they are a failed parent. No matter if we are all human and all fail in some way or another eventually, that doesn’t seem to matter if you’re a parent. You are not allowed to fail, and so you must be perfect.

The problem then becomes, if everyone around is doing something different, and they are all perfect, then what are you? This thought comes into my head more often then it should, but with a new baby on the way I can’t help but sit here and think that maybe I am doing everything wrong and now I am going to screw up another kid.

It makes me wonder if maybe the reason why people feel this way is because there are so many articles and thoughts online, or in the news, about how we are screwing kids up. We never seem to talk about all the ways we are raising kids properly, only the ways in which they are messed up. True to form though, we are still saying every new generation is worse than the last, despite evidence in society that proves otherwise. I mean you don’t get a lower over all crime rate, lower illiterate rate, lower death rate, lower teen pregnancy rate, by being just as bad or worse then the generation before you. No matter what people what to believe.

We see tons of articles about how spanking is bad and harmful to kids, and not too many articles that talk about the different forms of discipline that might be best. Then come the memes about how kids are so horrible because they aren’t spanked and the arguments in the comments about how one group of parents is better than the other.

Perhaps to reduce the anxiety for some people, all people should back up and remember that everyone is doing their best. Just my thought anyway. I’m gonna go eat cookies.

Blood Test For Pregnant People

Probably the most annoying part of being pregnant is the amount of tests that you have to do to make sure that you and the baby are healthy. None of these tests is more annoying than the one that you need to do to check to see what your sugar levels are.

Apparently a super important test (though some quick Google searches have informed me that it might not be for very much longer), it is probably the most painful. Painful in that you have to go, drink this super gross version of flat orange pop, then sit in very uncomfortable waiting room chairs so they can take your blood an hour later. So you have to sit there while all these smelly old people (not really), come and sit next to you even though there are other chairs around the room (really), and of course you’re super uncomfortable, because these chairs are not meant for long term sitting, let alone to support a pregnant person and their now very hyper spawn.

That’s what I did yesterday. I know logically it isn’t the most painful test so much as it is the most annoying. Also I had to come home and lay down because the drink made me feel dizzy and sick, so that took up more time that I could have spent doing pretty much anything. Though if I think about it, I would have probably been laying down.

I have now gotten the results of the test, and even though I check my results online and know how high my sugar actually is (.1 above the “normal”) I get told by the nurse that I have to now fast, and do this test again, except over 2 hours. *Headdesk* Swear to god this isn’t something that I even almost want to do. I may not even do it, I will check with the NP when I go to my appointment Wednesday. It’ll probably be the conversation that goes a little something like this: “Not doing it lady” and then I will be talked into doing anyway. Because I strangely listen to the nurses and doctors even though I can make my own educated choices.

The upside from the blook work? I need to take some iron pills. This may help with the tired and possibly even the restless legs. We shall see.

Getting Ready for Nanowrimo

For the last five years or so I have attempted¬†and failed to participate in National Novel Writing Month. I say failed only because I can never get to the 50k word count that they are looking for. It’s not even a ridiculous goal, I just get distracted half way through the month and end up doing pretty much anything else.

This year I have a lot more riding on it. This year the hope is to actually be able to get a novel done, as rough a draft as it may be, so that I can build off of it. It is also going to be used to get my mind out of the writer’s block that seems to have persisted a lot longer than I would like.

So that’s the goal for this year: Kill the writer’s block. Anyone else in?

Anxiety About Money and Anxiety

Okay one fun thing about having anxiety bad enough that you can’t really leave your home, is that there really isn’t a good way to earn money from home. At least not when you’re so depressed about not having money, and so anxious about pay bills, you can’t get your brain to work there isn’t. It’s been a fun few months.

Here is the one thing that I want to say upfront: if I could work without being sick, I really would. I don’t particularly like staying home all the time. I am sure some of you are probably thinking that it’s super fun, but when I say all the time, I mean ALL the time. I don’t go visiting, I don’t go shopping, I don’t go out for a walk. I stay in my house so that I don’t have to feel as though the whole world is gonna crash in on me. Yes that train of thought is irrational, but if anxiety was in anyway rational, then everyone would be able to understand it. I also don’t particularly like being looked at like I am a huge failure. I am an RN I am supposed to be working, says everyone. To wit I say: No shit.

So, we are struggling quite a bit right now for various reasons. Most of them were completely avoidable. I am very aware of the fact that we got ourselves into this mess. It actually makes it harder to sleep at night knowing that you screwed up everything. On the other hand, I don’t have to go searching for the reasons we are here. I know why. It’s just trying to get out.

Last year at this time I was working full time from home. It was pretty great. Didn’t bring in tons of money, but gave me some purpose and did bring in enough to help. Because of a few bad choices in who to trust, that job went away (it might be very un-feminist of me to say, but working with women can be a totally pain in the ass). I left the job at pretty much the same time I found out that I was pregnant. Which is probably better timing then you’d think. It’s hard enough to get out of bed to work at home, let alone get out of bed when you can barely keep your eyes open and food in your belly. This summer wasn’t fun, but it also meant I could focus on Bean, and not what to do about a weird work schedule.

So that brings us to fall, when we are trying to get ready for a new baby (thank god for parents), and manage Christmas expectations, as well as the needs of Bean through the school year. I keep trying to find other ways to make money from home, but haven’t found anything as reliable as the job I left last year. Not to mention having a baby in three months time kind of puts a damper on people wanting to hire you for anything.

Until then, we shall fake it until we make it. Who knows maybe after this kid my anxiety will turn into something totally manageable. <— The only optimism you get.

The Anxiety of Giving Anxiety

So, when I was pregnant with my first, I was really worried that she would be all messed up because I was horribly depressed throughout most of my pregnancy. She was fine of course, the RedBull was way more likely to do something harmful (though there have been some studies), so I moved on to worrying about other things.

For the most part she was a spectacular baby. She had to deal with separated parents from the day she was born, which meant she had to deal with time away from mama from a really early age. I breast fed, but pumped so she would be able to spend a few hours with daddy every few days. Everything was good for about the first 6 months or so. After that she developed the ability to notice when I was gone, and when it was bedtime.

During these times she would get herself worked up so bad, that she was very difficult to handle. Not horrible, because it just meant more snuggles usually, but for those that had to handle her while I was not around, it wasn’t great.

Now at 5 years of age, she is still fairly well adjusted given what I see other kids her age do. She does still have horrible night time anxiety though. She has always had really horrible night terrors, and while the definition of night terrors no longer applies, she complains of bad dreams close to every night. This makes the lead up to bedtime not fun. I say not fun because it can range from her taking about an hour to settle, to all out tantrums just so she doesn’t have to go to sleep yet.

As far as being separated: she just doesn’t like it when anyone leaves. It often takes me back to when I was pregnant and worried that my issues would become her issues.

I have done some reading on the subject, and there is some evidence that how we are mentally and emotionally can effect the baby, but that doesn’t mean that they are able to for sure prove that. My anxiety issues are very different then hers, but I still have them. And I can’t even imagine someone so tiny feeling that uncontrollable anxiety. My real hope for the future is being able to help her through all of her anxiety, while not adding too much to my own. I have no idea how I am going to do that yet, but hopefully it will come to me soon. Because soon, I shall have two little ones to help.

Ideas For Next Month

I have been trying to come up with some good ideas for what to do with this blog other than just rant all the time. One of the things that I think I will do, is some monthly crate reviews. With Christmas coming it’s a good way to get some stocking stuffers or gifts if there are some that like geeky shirts.

The first one I might go ahead and get so I can review is GeekFuel. It was probably my favourite of all the nerd boxes. Not quite as well known as LootCrate, but for me it offers more of a selection of things that I like to collect. Also because I really do want some stocking stuffers, I’ll probably get a NerdBlock Jr. for my little girl.

I will be using affiliate links (like I have been here). You can take advantage of them and get a discount. Most of the monthly subscription boxes come with a special for signing up anyway, but if you use my link you get a bit of a discount as well. Like a present within a present.

I hope to move on and do some food subscription boxes in the new year.  There are plenty of food boxes that look delicious.

Pregnancy Fun

I have no idea who has been lieing to women, telling them that being pregnant is this wonderful time in your life. It’s not. It’s uncomfortable, and uncomfortable. There really isn’t a better word to describe it frankly. It is painful, and itchy, and you’re sick often and not able to take a lot of medication for much of anything, and you’re very cranky almost all of the time. Even when you aren’t cranky, you can get to cranky in about two seconds flat, usually by someone doing something super simple and not at all annoying. This is because everything is annoying when you’re pregnant.

Seriously, I have done this twice, and while I can say with a degree of certainty that this time is much better than the last time, it still isn’t fun. I mean I am happier mentally, but physically the whole body thing isn’t fun. Not to mention that this baby has a fondness for making my anxiety levels high before he gets here. That is something his big sister at least waited until she was out to do.

There are benefits of course. Pregnancy isn’t all bad, despite the 40 weeks of feeling like you’re being weirdly tortured in a way that is just annoying more so than painful. When the baby starts to kick, and respond to your voice and your touches on your belly, or even better: when the baby starts to respond to your partner, it is kind of awesome. When you hear the heartbeat for the first time and you know for sure that you are not alone, that’s pretty sweet too. Of course there is this thing, that after 40 weeks you (hopefully) get this very squishy, adorable, crying thing. Okay that doesn’t sound like it’s worth it, but then they grab your finger and only want to be with you ever. Or, it’s 6 months later and they have learned how to hug and give kisses, and do so without you even asking. Or it’s 6 years later and they come up to you and tell you that they love you “no edge” which means more than history.

Yeah okay…I’ll be uncomfortable for 14 more weeks.

Election Drama

As a Canadian, I have to say that I probably haven’t spent this much time banging my head against the wall over people’s stupidity as I have this last year watching the news cover the U.S. election. Seriously, and I live in Ontario, and we have tones of ridiculous crap here. I mean, it is the province of Rob Ford, so yeah, we have our own weirdos.

The biggest problem I have is when it’s so clear people are making dumb choices. It’s not as though one person is saying a whole list of policies that people just disagree with, and the other is a she-demon. That isn’t what is happening here. One guy is up there spouting out a bunch of bullshit that he can’t keep straight from one day to the next and the other is being consistent about what she’s lying about (you know like a politician). It is as though the U.S. has suddenly decided that it no longer wants to have politicians, and instead is okay letting a living Halloween costume run around making choices about how they live.

I get it. They are both shitty choices. I probably don’t fully get it because to me, and to the rest of the world, your lesser of two evils usually looks like our lesser of two evils, and we just don’t understand how you people can’t see that. We don’t understand. We aren’t pitying you. We aren’t sitting here laughing at you in the “Ha ha we don’t have to make that choice kind of way” (though yeah, some of us are). We are seriously questioning how on Earth you could have lead the world in advancements in the last one-hundred years, and at the same time think that electing a guy that makes fun of disabled people is a good idea. How you think that you need to “Make America Great Again”, when it is so clearly better for most of the people that live there then it was even twenty years ago. It’s not perfect, but it doesn’t need to be remade.

There is a future. You have your choices. One will put you in the future, one will clearly send you back.

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