Anxiety Mama

The inner thoughts of a normal mom, with abnormalities

Category: Things (Page 1 of 2)

What the Hell?

This year has been levels of interesting that I can’t really comprehend. I wonder what the historians will say when they look back and write about what has happened in the last two years. I wonder if they will be able to stop themselves from banging their heads on a wall. I mean it’s not as though we didn’t know what would happen. It’s not as though we didn’t have historical evidence of what we should and shouldn’t be doing. Is this one of those “if you tell me not to do it, I’m going to do it.” Things? Because, there is no other explanation.

I’ve kind of been avoiding pretty much everything I possibly can for as long as I possibly can this year. I just can’t figure out what to say about any of it that hasn’t already been said. Or that even better can’t be summed up in three word: What the fuck? I think I find myself saying those three words more often than anyone should. I don’t think that I’m alone though, judging by what I see in the eyes of reporters.

I’m going to do what I can to get through the next few years without total and complete panic about nuclear war, by focusing on the things that I have at home. And while I have many opinions on what is happening in the world right now, I’m actually going to try and stay away from that on this blog. There are people better equipped to make opinions on those things.

What I’m here for is silliness. At least that is my new goal. Let’s see how long it takes me to fall off that one.

High Cost Of Power In Winter

We have a problem in Ontario right now: the extremely high cost of our power bills. This isn’t a region specific thing either. Sure some of the areas have it worse than others, but all around we are screwed. This month for our tiny two bedroom house, we were charged $250 for our power. We don’t even have electric heating (thank god).

Naturally there are a lot of people in our province that are actually falling behind in our bills. We have to make a choice about other things. We are a month behind because of this (and other government fuck ups), and it makes us annoyed. We like to pay our bills on time as a rule, and when we have to decide between food and power, or disconnecting all of our fun things, that is disappointing. If we want to read only, and not have any phones, we could get by I’m sure. But what is the point?

Most of the province is now trying very hard to get our premier out of office. Not much we can do about that until election time though. But that isn’t the only thing that we have to focus on. I mean the power company it’s self is the biggest problem. Why are they allowed to charge this much for power that they have too much of. Besides selling it to the people that live in Ontario, they are selling it to several states. They also just gave their CEO’s big raises, which is the sign of a business trying to screw us over if I ever saw one.

The easiest way for us to see what is going on, is to look at the other provinces and realize that on a whole, they pay 25-50% less than we do. What the fuck? We arguably make more power than any other province (with the exception of Quebec), and this is how we get treated? That is just, stupid.

Until we can organize and figure out a way to get these costs down, and to find jobs for people, I think there are going to continue to be a lot of unpaid power bills. I wonder if that is protest enough.

December Without Snow Is Like Chocolate Without Chocolate

I am a Canadian girl. More so than that I am a Northern Canadian girl. I have always lived in the north, and I hope to continue that for the rest of my life.

With this however comes strange times. We are North enough to get the very cold in the winter, and yet not far enough North to be spared the very hot summer. Admittedly those are pretty subjective terms. I have known a few Aussie’s that have visited and found our -5 C to be way too cold. We usually mock them while wondering around drinking Ice’d Caps in our t-shirts (yes, this happens, but usually in the Spring after we have been accustomed to the cold). They in turn mock us for our complaints that 40 C is too hot (it fucking is and I will fight people on this). So it really depends.

The other thing that we can usually count on, other than the super unpredictable weather, is the fact that there is snow by Halloween. Though I guess going with the theme that the weather is unpredictable, the fact that we have no snow on the 1st of December is probably a sign of that. Also of climate change. Though only for those people that don’t believe it’s some sort of lefty conspiracy. For the rest of you, just blame it on traditional patterns of unpredictability. Like last year when it snowed in June. Totally normal.

I am a Christmas baby. I want snow for Christmas. There is nothing more depressing (weather wise) than a grey Christmas. Sure people can claim that it’s a green Christmas, but we live in Northern Ontario, who are you kidding? It’s fucking grey outside. Possible shades of green and yellow on the ground, but the rest is fucking grey, get out your head out of your ass.

Strangely enough I do actually live in one of the few places in Canada that has a very high chance of a white Christmas every year. Just lately… they haven’t been so white. It’s been super sad. Still have 25 days though, so here’s hoping.

Poor Kid

As the weeks grow closer to my due date, I start to feel more and more sorry for my five year old. I am not a very pleasant person to be around right now, what with being super uncomfortable and sore and hormonal.

I do my best to make sure that she knows that my short temper isn’t her fault, but that doesn’t make it easier on her I’m sure. Especially not when I usually am fairly level headed. I mean I have a temper, she would know, she has the same one, but at the same time five is a pretty young age to have a mother go through all the crazy mood changes that come with growing another human being.

I feel, especially these past few days, that I am doing her a great disservice. That I am not really parenting to the best of my ability. That there are things that I am doing that will upset her even more. Not to mention the fact that it really doesn’t get easier in the next year. Once the babe is less a new born, then it gets better, but that is only if there are no complications and everything works out the way that I want it to. That hardly ever happens in real life.

I still long for the days when I could put myself into any TV show that I wanted and pretend that I lived there for a while. When did I allow reality to get so, uh, real?


There Are No Words

It’s been really hard to find a reason to post anything. I mean there is enough going on with me, but it all seems kind of boring and normal compared to what is going on to the the country south of mine. I have a lot of thoughts on the matter, but there is really nothing new that I can say. Not to mention the fact that no one is listening to anyone any more.

I think that’s the hardest part of everything, knowing that no one is listening. The right is blaming the left, the left is blaming the right, and the rest of the world is watching with their smart phones, waiting to catch the firestorm that is bound to happen. It’s the best example of everyone stopping to watch a car wreck that you’re ever going to get. Well, if the people in the cars were also yelling at each other while everyone was wearing earplugs.

I have seen news headlines this week that make me question what kind of drugs we are all on. How we can go back in the world of human rights so far. I want to know what on earth really happened to make all of this possible. Trump is the symptom of a much bigger problem, but we need to be able to get to that problem to fix it, and I really don’t think that we are going to be getting to that place any time soon. I think it’s going to require a lot more blood before people wake the fuck up. These things always do. We have to bathe in it before we all get on the same page and see what the heck we are doing.

All the things…

Why is parenting so silly?

This is the only logical question I have for today. I get the parts of the day where I make sure she doesn’t jump off a bridge, or fall down the stairs. I also get the parts of the day where I have to manage to get her to eat veggies in some way, or at least eat some what balanced, rather than just eating mac and cheese every day. I don’t get how many times a day I have to say the most ridiculous things to make this happen.

Keeping our kids safe and healthy is part of the job and one that I am mostly good at given my child’s desire to climb up everything and jump off everything. Also the fact that she walks into a wall several times a day is just, icing on the cake (it isn’t her eye sight, she just doesn’t know how to slow down ever.) I guess my other question would have to be: Are all kids this clumsy?

I have a feeling that a lot of them are unless they have been put into a sport of some kind that helps them get control of their arm and leg coordination a little bit better. I considered gymnastics, but didn’t want to test my luck. Dance is a bit too pricey. Hopefully next summer we can do soccer, so she can run like crazy and get all of that extra energy out.

Until then though, how many times do I have to I have to remind her that she can’t do a handstand or the splits?

Watching What Everyone is Watching

I could pretend that I am better than watching the U.S election, but I am not gonna even try. Besides, what would that really prove? We all know that the U.S. election affects everyone in the world, so pretending to be above it all is kind of silly. Also it helps to keep you super uninformed to how people are actually talking about it.

Even still, I need to admit that I am so tired of it. I know everyone is tired of it. In fact the only person that’s probably not tired of it is Trump. But whatever.

The thing that has me the most irritated by the whole thing, is the news coverage. I don’t actually think a single mainstream media news station covered the policies of either of the two main people. I mean, if it wasn’t for some YouTubers, I probably wouldn’t even know where either candidate stood on things. I mean other than everyone knowing that Trump hates people that are different (which I don’t even think is true, but he likes to say it to get the cheers). I wonder if they talked to people on the street, how many people would actually be able to list where either person stood on important issues. Because without looking it up online, I couldn’t tell ya.

Now that may just be a deficit in how much information I am getting up here in the great white north. I don’t watch MSNBC or CNN or FoxNews. I kind of just sit here and piece together different news articles from online papers. Some are good, some are bad, some are partisan, some are trying not to be, but are anyway… It’s not a good news source. Either way, it’s not even an educational news source. Everyone is just talking about the things that are entertaining that happened today. Not real news, just the stuff that people want to know like: What did Trump say today that was insane? or How is Hillary going to handle those email accusations again? Neither of those things is actually important on how the person is going to run the country. They tell me nothing. Well okay, they tell me that Trump still hasn’t learned to stop his inner monologue from becoming is outer monologue, and that we still can’t trust Hillary to send an email.

I hope that as many of the U.S. people that can vote are out there doing it today. This is actually an election that’s going to fuck up the entire world, so you know, make sure you’re a part of it. You get to decide today who is going to represent your country on the world stage.

Watching The News

I won’t lie, I have actually given up on watching the news. First of all most of what they report isn’t true, second of all they end up giving all the attention to the things that are more sensational than important. Sure it’s been that way for a while, but I think it’s more obvious during an election season. It was bad during the Canadian Election, it’s about 100x worse during the American one.

So to try and get any source of information that isn’t biased one way or another right now, is very difficult. Even trying to sort through the mess online, which was already a shit show, is near impossible. I guess it sort of comes down to deciding to no longer care.

I mean at the end of the day I don’t live in that country. We have our own problems up here, and they may not be nearly as odd as the ones that our neighbours to the south are struggling with, I don’t need to pay that much attention. When the election is done, and there are some policies being talked about then I’ll pay attention again. Hopefully it will be to someone that makes sense and isn’t a talking orange, but that really isn’t up to me.


Spinning Again

As the holidays get closer I have started to sit at my spinning wheel again. It’s really the only thing I can think to do for people for gifts. Not to mention it helps to keep my Etsy store stocked. Soon I will have enough to actually start making homemade gifts. I just need to come up with a game plan and a list of things that I am going to make.

I have plenty of time, it’s just getting focused and finding the energy to get everything done. Also coming up with unique presents would be best. And there really isn’t a lot of things I can crochet for the 5 year old that would work. Other than a stuffed animal, which would be a whole other project since I have never done one before.

The other problem is that the closer we get to the end of the year, the closer we get to the baby coming. If he doesn’t decide to come before then. Hopefully he’ll stay put until the new year at least gets here. After that he’s free to come out at any time, but babies don’t really follow any normal schedule.

Gah. Who’s idea was this anyway? lol


Anxiety About Money and Anxiety

Okay one fun thing about having anxiety bad enough that you can’t really leave your home, is that there really isn’t a good way to earn money from home. At least not when you’re so depressed about not having money, and so anxious about pay bills, you can’t get your brain to work there isn’t. It’s been a fun few months.

Here is the one thing that I want to say upfront: if I could work without being sick, I really would. I don’t particularly like staying home all the time. I am sure some of you are probably thinking that it’s super fun, but when I say all the time, I mean ALL the time. I don’t go visiting, I don’t go shopping, I don’t go out for a walk. I stay in my house so that I don’t have to feel as though the whole world is gonna crash in on me. Yes that train of thought is irrational, but if anxiety was in anyway rational, then everyone would be able to understand it. I also don’t particularly like being looked at like I am a huge failure. I am an RN I am supposed to be working, says everyone. To wit I say: No shit.

So, we are struggling quite a bit right now for various reasons. Most of them were completely avoidable. I am very aware of the fact that we got ourselves into this mess. It actually makes it harder to sleep at night knowing that you screwed up everything. On the other hand, I don’t have to go searching for the reasons we are here. I know why. It’s just trying to get out.

Last year at this time I was working full time from home. It was pretty great. Didn’t bring in tons of money, but gave me some purpose and did bring in enough to help. Because of a few bad choices in who to trust, that job went away (it might be very un-feminist of me to say, but working with women can be a totally pain in the ass). I left the job at pretty much the same time I found out that I was pregnant. Which is probably better timing then you’d think. It’s hard enough to get out of bed to work at home, let alone get out of bed when you can barely keep your eyes open and food in your belly. This summer wasn’t fun, but it also meant I could focus on Bean, and not what to do about a weird work schedule.

So that brings us to fall, when we are trying to get ready for a new baby (thank god for parents), and manage Christmas expectations, as well as the needs of Bean through the school year. I keep trying to find other ways to make money from home, but haven’t found anything as reliable as the job I left last year. Not to mention having a baby in three months time kind of puts a damper on people wanting to hire you for anything.

Until then, we shall fake it until we make it. Who knows maybe after this kid my anxiety will turn into something totally manageable. <— The only optimism you get.

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