When I had my first baby everything went super well, apart from the fact that I had separated from my husband a few months before she was born. How I felt, and how I was able to jump back into daily life was not really changed. I found I had the energy to carry on as normal, and in some ways had even more energy and drive to get the things done that needed to be done.
That has not been the case this time around.
He is now 9 months, and I find that I can still barely get up enough energy to do the things that need to be done (we won’t talk about house work). I am mostly succeeding in the taking care of the children parts of the life, but so much else has just not been accomplished.
I need to get back into working, but I can’t even remember how I managed to do that after my daughter. I remember being able to do so much from home, and now I can’t even comprehend how any of that is possible. There is no spot in my mind that remembers how I was able to do it before, and is able to figure out how to do any of that now.
There are differences sure: I am not as healthy as I was then. My tiny man has left me with some important energy boosting vitamins at a staggering low, and in need of supplements to try and get them back up to a normal range. He doesn’t nap when he isn’t on someone, which takes up some time during the day. and he prefers to always be around someone, very near, even when playing alone. These things aren’t deal breakers, or even really big problems, but they are little problems that are contributing to a feeling of helplessness.
By the end of the day, when I would normally do things for myself, I find that there is little to do except lay down, and pray that he makes it at least four hours before waking up to eat (which he does, usually 6 hours actually, but I am dramatic).
I remind myself that this stage of being super little and super dependant passes all too quickly, and that I will miss it. I can’t imagine missing it right now, but I know that I will at the very least miss the naps, and the nursing, and the tiny man that wants only the attention of his mama. I will miss watching him figure out how to bend down and pick up toys while standing, or watching him figure out how to stand even.
Until then I will do the best I can with the things I have and remind myself that motherhood was’t supposed to be easy.