Anxiety Mama

The inner thoughts of a normal mom, with abnormalities

Category: parenting (Page 1 of 2)


When I had my first baby everything went super well, apart from the fact that I had separated from my husband a few months before she was born. How I felt, and how I was able to jump back into daily life was not really changed. I found I had the energy to carry on as normal, and in some ways had even more energy and drive to get the things done that needed to be done.

That has not been the case this time around.

He is now 9 months, and I find that I can still barely get up enough energy to do the things that need to be done (we won’t talk about house work). I am mostly succeeding in the taking care of the children parts of the life, but so much else has just not been accomplished.

I need to get back into working, but I can’t even remember how I managed to do that after my daughter. I remember being able to do so much from home, and now I can’t even comprehend how any of that is possible. There is no spot in my mind that remembers how I was able to do it before, and is able to figure out how to do any of that now.

There are differences sure: I am not as healthy as I was then. My tiny man has left me with some important energy boosting vitamins at a staggering low, and in need of supplements to try and get them back up to a normal range. He doesn’t nap when he isn’t on someone, which takes up some time during the day. and he prefers to always be around someone, very near, even when playing alone. These things aren’t deal breakers, or even really big problems, but they are little problems that are contributing to a feeling of helplessness.

By the end of the day, when I would normally do things for myself, I find that there is little to do except lay down, and pray that he makes it at least four hours before waking up to eat (which he does, usually 6 hours actually, but I am dramatic).

I remind myself that this stage of being super little and super dependant passes all too quickly, and that I will miss it. I can’t imagine missing it right now, but I know that I will at the very least miss the naps, and the nursing, and the tiny man that wants only the attention of his mama. I will miss watching him figure out how to bend down and pick up toys while standing, or watching him figure out how to stand even.

Until then I will do the best I can with the things I have and remind myself that motherhood was’t supposed to be easy.

New Year, New Baby

This little man made his entrance at the start of the year. Labour started on the first and ended early in the morning of the second. It wasn’t the easiest labour in the world, but I imagine it was far, far from the most difficult. To be honest, the healing has been far more difficult. Not to mention the whole getting used to having a newborn around again.

It is amazing how in this short period of time I have noticed so many differences between my two mini humans. The first of which is the demand for attention. While my daughter was content to be snuggled, she was also content to sit next to us, or even sleep in her crib. For my tiny boy, that is just not the case. He will scream to get the hugs he wants. Or the food he wants. Or both. He is already into binge eating. Or at least non stop eating. Basically he wants food all the time. Judging by his face when he sleeps that includes when he is sleeping.

I’m kinda excited to see how the rest of this plays out. Though I really do wish he would have gotten his wonderful baby sleep from his sister. I miss sleep.

Poor Kid

As the weeks grow closer to my due date, I start to feel more and more sorry for my five year old. I am not a very pleasant person to be around right now, what with being super uncomfortable and sore and hormonal.

I do my best to make sure that she knows that my short temper isn’t her fault, but that doesn’t make it easier on her I’m sure. Especially not when I usually am fairly level headed. I mean I have a temper, she would know, she has the same one, but at the same time five is a pretty young age to have a mother go through all the crazy mood changes that come with growing another human being.

I feel, especially these past few days, that I am doing her a great disservice. That I am not really parenting to the best of my ability. That there are things that I am doing that will upset her even more. Not to mention the fact that it really doesn’t get easier in the next year. Once the babe is less a new born, then it gets better, but that is only if there are no complications and everything works out the way that I want it to. That hardly ever happens in real life.

I still long for the days when I could put myself into any TV show that I wanted and pretend that I lived there for a while. When did I allow reality to get so, uh, real?


Why is parenting so silly?

This is the only logical question I have for today. I get the parts of the day where I make sure she doesn’t jump off a bridge, or fall down the stairs. I also get the parts of the day where I have to manage to get her to eat veggies in some way, or at least eat some what balanced, rather than just eating mac and cheese every day. I don’t get how many times a day I have to say the most ridiculous things to make this happen.

Keeping our kids safe and healthy is part of the job and one that I am mostly good at given my child’s desire to climb up everything and jump off everything. Also the fact that she walks into a wall several times a day is just, icing on the cake (it isn’t her eye sight, she just doesn’t know how to slow down ever.) I guess my other question would have to be: Are all kids this clumsy?

I have a feeling that a lot of them are unless they have been put into a sport of some kind that helps them get control of their arm and leg coordination a little bit better. I considered gymnastics, but didn’t want to test my luck. Dance is a bit too pricey. Hopefully next summer we can do soccer, so she can run like crazy and get all of that extra energy out.

Until then though, how many times do I have to I have to remind her that she can’t do a handstand or the splits?

Sleep? No Sleep For Pregnant Ladies

Ahh, pregnancy. The supposed magical time a mom goes through to get her little bundles of joy. I am fond of the bundles of joy. Bean, as much as she makes me crazy, is in fact a glorious, funny, loving, and ridiculously smart tiny human. I am glad she is here. I am sure, when my son makes his appearance I will feel the same way, though he has a head start on making me crazy.

When I was pregnant with Bean, I was miserable. There were reasons though, the partner I had wasn’t really into the whole being supportive thing, and I was working full time as a RN, which meant 60 hour work weeks sometimes. It wasn’t ideal. The hardest part was the no support from the baby daddy. Something I have come to realise this time around, makes a huge freakin’ difference.

Despite lack of husbandy support, the pregnancy it’s self was fine. I had major heart burn, but it was controlled by over the counter meds, and some really odd home remedies. My blood pressure spiked, but not until my very last week, at which point she was late anyway, so she got to come out. I was warned about how much the moving and kicking would get uncomfortable, but with the exception of a few liver shots, Bean was content to just roll over and I didn’t have much problem with that until very late, when every mom to be has a problem. Her little brother isn’t as accommodating.

Starting with high blood pressure from day one, to long drives to get a specialist opinion of “everything looks totally normal”, he has not made this easy. My blood tests are weird one day, and the repeat test the next day are normal. I didn’t have much of a belly with Bean, and this one is popping out, and he is sitting right on my bladder. Not kidding. I can feel little bops on my bladder almost constantly. He also enjoy moving all day long, preferably stretching to see if he can get out I guess? It’s not comfortable.

As the time as gone on he has started to get more active at night. Making it near impossible to get comfortable enough to sleep. I am glad that he’s moving around, I like knowing he’s doing okay, but I will be very happy when he is wiggling on the outside instead of the inside.

Spinning Again

As the holidays get closer I have started to sit at my spinning wheel again. It’s really the only thing I can think to do for people for gifts. Not to mention it helps to keep my Etsy store stocked. Soon I will have enough to actually start making homemade gifts. I just need to come up with a game plan and a list of things that I am going to make.

I have plenty of time, it’s just getting focused and finding the energy to get everything done. Also coming up with unique presents would be best. And there really isn’t a lot of things I can crochet for the 5 year old that would work. Other than a stuffed animal, which would be a whole other project since I have never done one before.

The other problem is that the closer we get to the end of the year, the closer we get to the baby coming. If he doesn’t decide to come before then. Hopefully he’ll stay put until the new year at least gets here. After that he’s free to come out at any time, but babies don’t really follow any normal schedule.

Gah. Who’s idea was this anyway? lol



I want to say it’s abnormal for people to talk about the doubts they feel as a parent, but I know that likely isn’t true. Perhaps it simply feels that way when no one around you ever talks about the times they screw up. That thought that everyone needs to be a perfect parent or they are a failed parent. No matter if we are all human and all fail in some way or another eventually, that doesn’t seem to matter if you’re a parent. You are not allowed to fail, and so you must be perfect.

The problem then becomes, if everyone around is doing something different, and they are all perfect, then what are you? This thought comes into my head more often then it should, but with a new baby on the way I can’t help but sit here and think that maybe I am doing everything wrong and now I am going to screw up another kid.

It makes me wonder if maybe the reason why people feel this way is because there are so many articles and thoughts online, or in the news, about how we are screwing kids up. We never seem to talk about all the ways we are raising kids properly, only the ways in which they are messed up. True to form though, we are still saying every new generation is worse than the last, despite evidence in society that proves otherwise. I mean you don’t get a lower over all crime rate, lower illiterate rate, lower death rate, lower teen pregnancy rate, by being just as bad or worse then the generation before you. No matter what people what to believe.

We see tons of articles about how spanking is bad and harmful to kids, and not too many articles that talk about the different forms of discipline that might be best. Then come the memes about how kids are so horrible because they aren’t spanked and the arguments in the comments about how one group of parents is better than the other.

Perhaps to reduce the anxiety for some people, all people should back up and remember that everyone is doing their best. Just my thought anyway. I’m gonna go eat cookies.

Blood Test For Pregnant People

Probably the most annoying part of being pregnant is the amount of tests that you have to do to make sure that you and the baby are healthy. None of these tests is more annoying than the one that you need to do to check to see what your sugar levels are.

Apparently a super important test (though some quick Google searches have informed me that it might not be for very much longer), it is probably the most painful. Painful in that you have to go, drink this super gross version of flat orange pop, then sit in very uncomfortable waiting room chairs so they can take your blood an hour later. So you have to sit there while all these smelly old people (not really), come and sit next to you even though there are other chairs around the room (really), and of course you’re super uncomfortable, because these chairs are not meant for long term sitting, let alone to support a pregnant person and their now very hyper spawn.

That’s what I did yesterday. I know logically it isn’t the most painful test so much as it is the most annoying. Also I had to come home and lay down because the drink made me feel dizzy and sick, so that took up more time that I could have spent doing pretty much anything. Though if I think about it, I would have probably been laying down.

I have now gotten the results of the test, and even though I check my results online and know how high my sugar actually is (.1 above the “normal”) I get told by the nurse that I have to now fast, and do this test again, except over 2 hours. *Headdesk* Swear to god this isn’t something that I even almost want to do. I may not even do it, I will check with the NP when I go to my appointment Wednesday. It’ll probably be the conversation that goes a little something like this: “Not doing it lady” and then I will be talked into doing anyway. Because I strangely listen to the nurses and doctors even though I can make my own educated choices.

The upside from the blook work? I need to take some iron pills. This may help with the tired and possibly even the restless legs. We shall see.

Anxiety About Money and Anxiety

Okay one fun thing about having anxiety bad enough that you can’t really leave your home, is that there really isn’t a good way to earn money from home. At least not when you’re so depressed about not having money, and so anxious about pay bills, you can’t get your brain to work there isn’t. It’s been a fun few months.

Here is the one thing that I want to say upfront: if I could work without being sick, I really would. I don’t particularly like staying home all the time. I am sure some of you are probably thinking that it’s super fun, but when I say all the time, I mean ALL the time. I don’t go visiting, I don’t go shopping, I don’t go out for a walk. I stay in my house so that I don’t have to feel as though the whole world is gonna crash in on me. Yes that train of thought is irrational, but if anxiety was in anyway rational, then everyone would be able to understand it. I also don’t particularly like being looked at like I am a huge failure. I am an RN I am supposed to be working, says everyone. To wit I say: No shit.

So, we are struggling quite a bit right now for various reasons. Most of them were completely avoidable. I am very aware of the fact that we got ourselves into this mess. It actually makes it harder to sleep at night knowing that you screwed up everything. On the other hand, I don’t have to go searching for the reasons we are here. I know why. It’s just trying to get out.

Last year at this time I was working full time from home. It was pretty great. Didn’t bring in tons of money, but gave me some purpose and did bring in enough to help. Because of a few bad choices in who to trust, that job went away (it might be very un-feminist of me to say, but working with women can be a totally pain in the ass). I left the job at pretty much the same time I found out that I was pregnant. Which is probably better timing then you’d think. It’s hard enough to get out of bed to work at home, let alone get out of bed when you can barely keep your eyes open and food in your belly. This summer wasn’t fun, but it also meant I could focus on Bean, and not what to do about a weird work schedule.

So that brings us to fall, when we are trying to get ready for a new baby (thank god for parents), and manage Christmas expectations, as well as the needs of Bean through the school year. I keep trying to find other ways to make money from home, but haven’t found anything as reliable as the job I left last year. Not to mention having a baby in three months time kind of puts a damper on people wanting to hire you for anything.

Until then, we shall fake it until we make it. Who knows maybe after this kid my anxiety will turn into something totally manageable. <— The only optimism you get.

The Anxiety of Giving Anxiety

So, when I was pregnant with my first, I was really worried that she would be all messed up because I was horribly depressed throughout most of my pregnancy. She was fine of course, the RedBull was way more likely to do something harmful (though there have been some studies), so I moved on to worrying about other things.

For the most part she was a spectacular baby. She had to deal with separated parents from the day she was born, which meant she had to deal with time away from mama from a really early age. I breast fed, but pumped so she would be able to spend a few hours with daddy every few days. Everything was good for about the first 6 months or so. After that she developed the ability to notice when I was gone, and when it was bedtime.

During these times she would get herself worked up so bad, that she was very difficult to handle. Not horrible, because it just meant more snuggles usually, but for those that had to handle her while I was not around, it wasn’t great.

Now at 5 years of age, she is still fairly well adjusted given what I see other kids her age do. She does still have horrible night time anxiety though. She has always had really horrible night terrors, and while the definition of night terrors no longer applies, she complains of bad dreams close to every night. This makes the lead up to bedtime not fun. I say not fun because it can range from her taking about an hour to settle, to all out tantrums just so she doesn’t have to go to sleep yet.

As far as being separated: she just doesn’t like it when anyone leaves. It often takes me back to when I was pregnant and worried that my issues would become her issues.

I have done some reading on the subject, and there is some evidence that how we are mentally and emotionally can effect the baby, but that doesn’t mean that they are able to for sure prove that. My anxiety issues are very different then hers, but I still have them. And I can’t even imagine someone so tiny feeling that uncontrollable anxiety. My real hope for the future is being able to help her through all of her anxiety, while not adding too much to my own. I have no idea how I am going to do that yet, but hopefully it will come to me soon. Because soon, I shall have two little ones to help.

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