Okay one fun thing about having anxiety bad enough that you can’t really leave your home, is that there really isn’t a good way to earn money from home. At least not when you’re so depressed about not having money, and so anxious about pay bills, you can’t get your brain to work there isn’t. It’s been a fun few months.

Here is the one thing that I want to say upfront: if I could work without being sick, I really would. I don’t particularly like staying home all the time. I am sure some of you are probably thinking that it’s super fun, but when I say all the time, I mean ALL the time. I don’t go visiting, I don’t go shopping, I don’t go out for a walk. I stay in my house so that I don’t have to feel as though the whole world is gonna crash in on me. Yes that train of thought is irrational, but if anxiety was in anyway rational, then everyone would be able to understand it. I also don’t particularly like being looked at like I am a huge failure. I am an RN I am supposed to be working, says everyone. To wit I say: No shit.

So, we are struggling quite a bit right now for various reasons. Most of them were completely avoidable. I am very aware of the fact that we got ourselves into this mess. It actually makes it harder to sleep at night knowing that you screwed up everything. On the other hand, I don’t have to go searching for the reasons we are here. I know why. It’s just trying to get out.

Last year at this time I was working full time from home. It was pretty great. Didn’t bring in tons of money, but gave me some purpose and did bring in enough to help. Because of a few bad choices in who to trust, that job went away (it might be very un-feminist of me to say, but working with women can be a totally pain in the ass). I left the job at pretty much the same time I found out that I was pregnant. Which is probably better timing then you’d think. It’s hard enough to get out of bed to work at home, let alone get out of bed when you can barely keep your eyes open and food in your belly. This summer wasn’t fun, but it also meant I could focus on Bean, and not what to do about a weird work schedule.

So that brings us to fall, when we are trying to get ready for a new baby (thank god for parents), and manage Christmas expectations, as well as the needs of Bean through the school year. I keep trying to find other ways to make money from home, but haven’t found anything as reliable as the job I left last year. Not to mention having a baby in three months time kind of puts a damper on people wanting to hire you for anything.

Until then, we shall fake it until we make it. Who knows maybe after this kid my anxiety will turn into something totally manageable. <— The only optimism you get.