Anxiety Mama

The inner thoughts of a normal mom, with abnormalities


When I had my first baby everything went super well, apart from the fact that I had separated from my husband a few months before she was born. How I felt, and how I was able to jump back into daily life was not really changed. I found I had the energy to carry on as normal, and in some ways had even more energy and drive to get the things done that needed to be done.

That has not been the case this time around.

He is now 9 months, and I find that I can still barely get up enough energy to do the things that need to be done (we won’t talk about house work). I am mostly succeeding in the taking care of the children parts of the life, but so much else has just not been accomplished.

I need to get back into working, but I can’t even remember how I managed to do that after my daughter. I remember being able to do so much from home, and now I can’t even comprehend how any of that is possible. There is no spot in my mind that remembers how I was able to do it before, and is able to figure out how to do any of that now.

There are differences sure: I am not as healthy as I was then. My tiny man has left me with some important energy boosting vitamins at a staggering low, and in need of supplements to try and get them back up to a normal range. He doesn’t nap when he isn’t on someone, which takes up some time during the day. and he prefers to always be around someone, very near, even when playing alone. These things aren’t deal breakers, or even really big problems, but they are little problems that are contributing to a feeling of helplessness.

By the end of the day, when I would normally do things for myself, I find that there is little to do except lay down, and pray that he makes it at least four hours before waking up to eat (which he does, usually 6 hours actually, but I am dramatic).

I remind myself that this stage of being super little and super dependant passes all too quickly, and that I will miss it. I can’t imagine missing it right now, but I know that I will at the very least miss the naps, and the nursing, and the tiny man that wants only the attention of his mama. I will miss watching him figure out how to bend down and pick up toys while standing, or watching him figure out how to stand even.

Until then I will do the best I can with the things I have and remind myself that motherhood was’t supposed to be easy.

What the Hell?

This year has been levels of interesting that I can’t really comprehend. I wonder what the historians will say when they look back and write about what has happened in the last two years. I wonder if they will be able to stop themselves from banging their heads on a wall. I mean it’s not as though we didn’t know what would happen. It’s not as though we didn’t have historical evidence of what we should and shouldn’t be doing. Is this one of those “if you tell me not to do it, I’m going to do it.” Things? Because, there is no other explanation.

I’ve kind of been avoiding pretty much everything I possibly can for as long as I possibly can this year. I just can’t figure out what to say about any of it that hasn’t already been said. Or that even better can’t be summed up in three word: What the fuck? I think I find myself saying those three words more often than anyone should. I don’t think that I’m alone though, judging by what I see in the eyes of reporters.

I’m going to do what I can to get through the next few years without total and complete panic about nuclear war, by focusing on the things that I have at home. And while I have many opinions on what is happening in the world right now, I’m actually going to try and stay away from that on this blog. There are people better equipped to make opinions on those things.

What I’m here for is silliness. At least that is my new goal. Let’s see how long it takes me to fall off that one.

High Cost Of Power In Winter

We have a problem in Ontario right now: the extremely high cost of our power bills. This isn’t a region specific thing either. Sure some of the areas have it worse than others, but all around we are screwed. This month for our tiny two bedroom house, we were charged $250 for our power. We don’t even have electric heating (thank god).

Naturally there are a lot of people in our province that are actually falling behind in our bills. We have to make a choice about other things. We are a month behind because of this (and other government fuck ups), and it makes us annoyed. We like to pay our bills on time as a rule, and when we have to decide between food and power, or disconnecting all of our fun things, that is disappointing. If we want to read only, and not have any phones, we could get by I’m sure. But what is the point?

Most of the province is now trying very hard to get our premier out of office. Not much we can do about that until election time though. But that isn’t the only thing that we have to focus on. I mean the power company it’s self is the biggest problem. Why are they allowed to charge this much for power that they have too much of. Besides selling it to the people that live in Ontario, they are selling it to several states. They also just gave their CEO’s big raises, which is the sign of a business trying to screw us over if I ever saw one.

The easiest way for us to see what is going on, is to look at the other provinces and realize that on a whole, they pay 25-50% less than we do. What the fuck? We arguably make more power than any other province (with the exception of Quebec), and this is how we get treated? That is just, stupid.

Until we can organize and figure out a way to get these costs down, and to find jobs for people, I think there are going to continue to be a lot of unpaid power bills. I wonder if that is protest enough.

New Year, New Baby

This little man made his entrance at the start of the year. Labour started on the first and ended early in the morning of the second. It wasn’t the easiest labour in the world, but I imagine it was far, far from the most difficult. To be honest, the healing has been far more difficult. Not to mention the whole getting used to having a newborn around again.

It is amazing how in this short period of time I have noticed so many differences between my two mini humans. The first of which is the demand for attention. While my daughter was content to be snuggled, she was also content to sit next to us, or even sleep in her crib. For my tiny boy, that is just not the case. He will scream to get the hugs he wants. Or the food he wants. Or both. He is already into binge eating. Or at least non stop eating. Basically he wants food all the time. Judging by his face when he sleeps that includes when he is sleeping.

I’m kinda excited to see how the rest of this plays out. Though I really do wish he would have gotten his wonderful baby sleep from his sister. I miss sleep.

Carrie Fisher

I haven’t been around much, due to exhaustion and holidays. However, after yesterday, there just wasn’t enough room on Twitter to talk about how I was feeling.

I know there are have been a lot of celeb deaths this year. I’m not even sure if it’s been more than normal, or just a younger than normal set. Either way, there have been some this year that have made me actually shed some tears. Funny enough, it was one of the first (Alan Rickman), and hopefully one of the last (Carrie Fisher). The rest have been sad, but I wasn’t big fans, or they were in what I would call end of life anyway. Like Leonard Cohen, whom I loved and admired, but thought he lived a good life, passing away in his 80’s.

When it came to Alan Rickman, it was a matter of the man having been in my entertainment since I was a kid. I just couldn’t imagine not hearing his voice in a new movie. I was sad for what I would be missing.

Carrie however, is completely different. While I am obviously also sad for what I will be missing not having her write more books, or take on a new voice over part, I also just feel as though those of us with mental illness lost a great champion. Especially those of us that are female, as bad as that sounds.

I was diagnosed with my many labels when I was a teen, and that was right around the time that Carrie started to become more open about her struggles with bi-polar disorder. Hearing someone that you admire talk about the things that you were experiencing, helps to show you that you really aren’t alone. Not only that but this was Princess Leia. She’s done things. She’s struggled with her brain working against her, and has still been successful. Yes, it’s been a battle, but look at how many she won. For a teenager that is an amazingly powerful message. You can be broken, and still be successful.

I think this is the biggest thing for a lot of people, who were her fans. It isn’t just that she was a kick ass princess, but it’s the fact that outside of her best known role, she was a champion for many.

December Without Snow Is Like Chocolate Without Chocolate

I am a Canadian girl. More so than that I am a Northern Canadian girl. I have always lived in the north, and I hope to continue that for the rest of my life.

With this however comes strange times. We are North enough to get the very cold in the winter, and yet not far enough North to be spared the very hot summer. Admittedly those are pretty subjective terms. I have known a few Aussie’s that have visited and found our -5 C to be way too cold. We usually mock them while wondering around drinking Ice’d Caps in our t-shirts (yes, this happens, but usually in the Spring after we have been accustomed to the cold). They in turn mock us for our complaints that 40 C is too hot (it fucking is and I will fight people on this). So it really depends.

The other thing that we can usually count on, other than the super unpredictable weather, is the fact that there is snow by Halloween. Though I guess going with the theme that the weather is unpredictable, the fact that we have no snow on the 1st of December is probably a sign of that. Also of climate change. Though only for those people that don’t believe it’s some sort of lefty conspiracy. For the rest of you, just blame it on traditional patterns of unpredictability. Like last year when it snowed in June. Totally normal.

I am a Christmas baby. I want snow for Christmas. There is nothing more depressing (weather wise) than a grey Christmas. Sure people can claim that it’s a green Christmas, but we live in Northern Ontario, who are you kidding? It’s fucking grey outside. Possible shades of green and yellow on the ground, but the rest is fucking grey, get out your head out of your ass.

Strangely enough I do actually live in one of the few places in Canada that has a very high chance of a white Christmas every year. Just lately… they haven’t been so white. It’s been super sad. Still have 25 days though, so here’s hoping.

Poor Kid

As the weeks grow closer to my due date, I start to feel more and more sorry for my five year old. I am not a very pleasant person to be around right now, what with being super uncomfortable and sore and hormonal.

I do my best to make sure that she knows that my short temper isn’t her fault, but that doesn’t make it easier on her I’m sure. Especially not when I usually am fairly level headed. I mean I have a temper, she would know, she has the same one, but at the same time five is a pretty young age to have a mother go through all the crazy mood changes that come with growing another human being.

I feel, especially these past few days, that I am doing her a great disservice. That I am not really parenting to the best of my ability. That there are things that I am doing that will upset her even more. Not to mention the fact that it really doesn’t get easier in the next year. Once the babe is less a new born, then it gets better, but that is only if there are no complications and everything works out the way that I want it to. That hardly ever happens in real life.

I still long for the days when I could put myself into any TV show that I wanted and pretend that I lived there for a while. When did I allow reality to get so, uh, real?


There Are No Words

It’s been really hard to find a reason to post anything. I mean there is enough going on with me, but it all seems kind of boring and normal compared to what is going on to the the country south of mine. I have a lot of thoughts on the matter, but there is really nothing new that I can say. Not to mention the fact that no one is listening to anyone any more.

I think that’s the hardest part of everything, knowing that no one is listening. The right is blaming the left, the left is blaming the right, and the rest of the world is watching with their smart phones, waiting to catch the firestorm that is bound to happen. It’s the best example of everyone stopping to watch a car wreck that you’re ever going to get. Well, if the people in the cars were also yelling at each other while everyone was wearing earplugs.

I have seen news headlines this week that make me question what kind of drugs we are all on. How we can go back in the world of human rights so far. I want to know what on earth really happened to make all of this possible. Trump is the symptom of a much bigger problem, but we need to be able to get to that problem to fix it, and I really don’t think that we are going to be getting to that place any time soon. I think it’s going to require a lot more blood before people wake the fuck up. These things always do. We have to bathe in it before we all get on the same page and see what the heck we are doing.

All the things…

Why is parenting so silly?

This is the only logical question I have for today. I get the parts of the day where I make sure she doesn’t jump off a bridge, or fall down the stairs. I also get the parts of the day where I have to manage to get her to eat veggies in some way, or at least eat some what balanced, rather than just eating mac and cheese every day. I don’t get how many times a day I have to say the most ridiculous things to make this happen.

Keeping our kids safe and healthy is part of the job and one that I am mostly good at given my child’s desire to climb up everything and jump off everything. Also the fact that she walks into a wall several times a day is just, icing on the cake (it isn’t her eye sight, she just doesn’t know how to slow down ever.) I guess my other question would have to be: Are all kids this clumsy?

I have a feeling that a lot of them are unless they have been put into a sport of some kind that helps them get control of their arm and leg coordination a little bit better. I considered gymnastics, but didn’t want to test my luck. Dance is a bit too pricey. Hopefully next summer we can do soccer, so she can run like crazy and get all of that extra energy out.

Until then though, how many times do I have to I have to remind her that she can’t do a handstand or the splits?

Watching What Everyone is Watching

I could pretend that I am better than watching the U.S election, but I am not gonna even try. Besides, what would that really prove? We all know that the U.S. election affects everyone in the world, so pretending to be above it all is kind of silly. Also it helps to keep you super uninformed to how people are actually talking about it.

Even still, I need to admit that I am so tired of it. I know everyone is tired of it. In fact the only person that’s probably not tired of it is Trump. But whatever.

The thing that has me the most irritated by the whole thing, is the news coverage. I don’t actually think a single mainstream media news station covered the policies of either of the two main people. I mean, if it wasn’t for some YouTubers, I probably wouldn’t even know where either candidate stood on things. I mean other than everyone knowing that Trump hates people that are different (which I don’t even think is true, but he likes to say it to get the cheers). I wonder if they talked to people on the street, how many people would actually be able to list where either person stood on important issues. Because without looking it up online, I couldn’t tell ya.

Now that may just be a deficit in how much information I am getting up here in the great white north. I don’t watch MSNBC or CNN or FoxNews. I kind of just sit here and piece together different news articles from online papers. Some are good, some are bad, some are partisan, some are trying not to be, but are anyway… It’s not a good news source. Either way, it’s not even an educational news source. Everyone is just talking about the things that are entertaining that happened today. Not real news, just the stuff that people want to know like: What did Trump say today that was insane? or How is Hillary going to handle those email accusations again? Neither of those things is actually important on how the person is going to run the country. They tell me nothing. Well okay, they tell me that Trump still hasn’t learned to stop his inner monologue from becoming is outer monologue, and that we still can’t trust Hillary to send an email.

I hope that as many of the U.S. people that can vote are out there doing it today. This is actually an election that’s going to fuck up the entire world, so you know, make sure you’re a part of it. You get to decide today who is going to represent your country on the world stage.

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